capek

just wanna say that word..bingung,mau gimana and jadi apa ya gue skrg..rasanya capek nyenengin orang terus ketika akhirnya yg kita pilih n lakukan ga ada yg nyenengin org..apalagi kalo org itu adalah yg spesial paling spesial utk kita..sedih jadinya..gimana gue bisa menyenangkan org yg spesial ini???

ghosts of canberra

experienced have i many a sleepless night
accompanied by memories that caused me to turn and shuffle till early daylight,
yet not many have been as disturbingly pleasant as tonight
but unfortunate am i for they are all far from sight....

today has been a day rich in fond memories, with the three most dearest memories of canberra be put back to mind.

an email from the pilkintons....they, to whom one can only give one's deepest gratitude for having introduced an academic world totally anew, and for revealing acts of humble kindness and friendship one thought could never exist;

news of rusty old bike...it, which has brought back memories from playful days of yore when the world seems to be nothing but a playground, also a remembrance of the amount of luck a fool requires to survive acts of stupidity;

last, but definitely most delightful, a telephone call from naya....she, who with no mercy has intrigued one's heart and taught a valuable lesson on the impossibility of suppressing one's most treasured feeling.

nn, 13 agustus 2002

kesedihan itu ternyata masih ada

siang ini aku iseng2 buka web-nya josh groban,karena i do love him, hehe, his songs i mean but a...yeah wajahnya juga lumayan seh...:D

eniwei, ketika nyoba2 dengerin lagunya di web itu, ..it comes to 'you raise me up'...and suddenly..aku menangis kuat dan sesak didada ini rasanya meluap..the song is indeed my papa's song...everybody knows it..pa, ternyata naya masih merindukan papa,n from all the words in the lyrics this one is reminds me deeply to my beloved, loveable papa...

i am strong when i am on your shoulder...

i've known then, i was so stubborn, i was so brave going anywhere to do ministries, even become a risk-taker to choose challenges options in every step of my life, it's all because he stands beside me, protects me always..he even had said would kill anyone who harm me... his love has never failed til the last second of his life on earth. i love you,pa... i know, though we've argued, sometimes feel so far away from each other, you're so close to me,pa, because, perhaps it is too much but it's true, i'm your duplication, your image, your living footprints you leave on earth.

i just pray now that God protects mama and I, keeps us close to his heart so we're stronger day by day as we were when papa was still with us, even more..he did inherit the most precious thing to mama and I, his faith. i know he's happy now beside Jesus just as his other favorite song Blessed Assurance..

i love ,you pa...you're close me,still i'm sure, cause you're just a breath way from me..cause you're just safe in Jesus' arms..our beloved living Saviour and God..i miss you,pa..i miss your smile, your hug, even your tears saying how much you love me and how precious I am for you..please, do forgive me for having not believing you sometimes back then..naya memang anak yang bandel,pa,ya..tapi naya sayang papa, bangga sama papa..semoga naya cepet bisa nyenengin hati papa walaupun papa sekarang di surga ya..nyenengin mama dengan mewujudkan impian papa

Soneta XVII Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.


I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.


I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way


that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

remembering, reviewing, requesting

td renungan di gereja ttg doanya raja salomo.
salomo saat ditanya TUHAN minta apa dia minta kebijaksanaan.
permintaan itu ternyata lahir karena proses ini-- proses yang dapat dipahami dalam doanya pada 1 raja-raja 3:

remembering

- what God has done to him, n to all his ancestors, including his father, David

reviewing

- confess honestly in front of God who he is. this would be very difficult because often one hard to understand his real condition, even easier to forgive enemy..yet we are loved by God unconditionally and it last forever, therefore we need no fear to speak frank in front of him, n if we couldn't say it precisely, His spirit will help n pray for us

the third then,

requesting

- having remembering who is Our God n what he has done for us and reviewing honestly who we are then we'd be capable to ask what is necessary.. the most fundamental and necessary for each of us is to be God's servant
to let what God want to do within and through us

for the sake of THE PEOPLE of the country

hehe, bisa balik jakarta! asik banget:)..selain ketemu dia (hehehe), kali ini banyak pelajaran baru dalam perjalananku balik ke jakarta.

pertama, belajar jadi protokol.
lumayan takut juga, tp ternyata menyenangkan juga. bisa dibilang enak tidaknya dan bagus gaknya pekerjaan ini tergantung dari yang melayani dan dilayani. kalo yang dilayani pengertian bahwa yang dilayani dalam proses belajar dan bawaannya santai trus yang melayani bener2 humble mau belajar dan hatinya bersih (bukan abs jadi norak atau panik malah), semuanya ternyata lancar2 aja.

tapi yang jelas, yang aku lakukan memang belum apa2 dibanding yang dilakukan temans dan seniors yang setiap hari berprotokol ria..ya di singapura, ya di den haag, di paris, di riyadh, bahkan temanku yang kemarin ketemu di kantor, mengantar jenasah tki yang jadi korban konflik sekarang di beirut! wah, rasanya aku pengen meluk dia kemarin pas ketemu..kebayang, punya temens yang ditempatkan di daerah konflik atau yang harus prihatin karena kondisi perwakilan/negara akreditasi yang minus nus..pemberani dan pejuang mereka! salut..

kedua, belajar apa artinya "for the sake of the country".
kalo dipikir-pikir..yang namanya for the sake of the country itu ga semudah yang dulu aku bayangkan di sd yak. tapi..mungkin frase 'for the sake of the country' itu harus dipertajam dengan tambahan kata people menjadi 'for the sake of the people of the country'. paling ga, tambahan kata itu penting buatku. hari ini,misalnya, aku harus bicara berbusa-busa dan keliling pameran untuk ketemu UKMK bahas ttg nembus pasar tempatku bertugas, ...pegel!! tapi, melihat wajah2 mereka yang penuh harapan (dan kadang galak juga karena capek atau takut yg kukatakan hanya janji surga), semangatku jadi muncul. lumayan juga, 4 jam/hari muter2 (tapi hari terakhir aku di jakarta terpaksa minta tolong padanya untuk membantuku..makasih banget pak,ya:)..)melelahkan tapi juga menyenangkan. yah,semoga aja apa yang aku lakukan ini berguna ya, setidaknya mendorong peningkatan kualitas produk para UKMK itu sekaligus meningkatkan pendapatan semua orang yang terlibat dalam proses produksinya:)

hm,mungkin..mungkin kalo pekerjaanku saat ini bener2 my cup of tea..mungkin, mungkin ini yang bisa jadi semangatku: for the sake of THE PEOPLE of the country. semoga...hanya TUHAN yang tahu.

tugas

TUHAN, tolong aku menyelesaikan tumpukan tugas, yang sejujurnya aku senang melakukannya tapi sulit untuk membagi waktuku dan memusatkan perhatianku di tengah keinginan menjaga mama, menikmati kesenanganku dan menghapus kejenuhan kerja..
help me to stand still as a good disciple,my LORD

lebih dari 1000 hari...

mm, ini telat beberapa hari sebenarnya...tapi aku baru ingat, di hari inilah, lebih dari 1000 hari yang lalu, kami bercakap begitu lama walau terpisah benua dan waktu..bicara tentang kerinduan yang lama terpendam, bicara tentang rasa yang terdalam, bicara tentang asa dan cita yang sejalan..

kini, lebih dari 1000 hari ternyata, aku dan dia tetap bersama,..TUHAN, jika aku boleh memohon, berikan kami lebih dari 1000x1000x1000 hari,agar kami boleh berjalan beriring, melangkah bersama dan menyatu..membangun mahligai yang pertama kali KAU ciptakan di dunia ini, dan melaluinya menjadi berkat yang lebih lagi untuk orang-orang yang kami cintai, setiap pribadi yang Kau hadirkan dalam hidup kami berdua..TUHAN, biarlah sungguh kerinduan kami berkenan dan sesuai rencanaMU..

but, much-much-much more important than anything..I am definitely grateful, LORD for giving me such a priceless opportunity to be close to him and such a precious love through him that I've never thought before..please give him, o GOD, the best that YOU can give him, my LORD, and hope that i'd be a part of it, though it's just a very tiny part..i love him, GOD, i do, and i thank YOU for that..love him as if noone is beloved but him..in YOU i trust him and our relations..amen

belajar membagi cerita...

hehe, ini "first posting"ku di blogger. setelah baca beberapa blogs temens di friendster, multiply dan blogger, akhirnya aku tergoda juga buat serius nulis, apapun yang aku pikirkan, rasakan, alami, lihat, dsb..semoga berguna ya,setidaknya buat aku, supaya paling tidak, aku bisa melihat how GOD molds me and changes me day by day, from glory to glory..all the glory must be to the LORD..semoga setiap not yang aku tuliskan di blog ini, melahirkan nada yang indah buatku, buatmu, buat kita semua..:)

may GOD bless us all!